Part of their “go small, go cheap” strategy for present and future conflicts
Little planes are just the beginning.
As reported today in the Los Angeles Times, “the Pentagon is looking to cheaper, smaller weapons to wage war in the 21st century.”
The article went on to focus on technology such as drones and smart bombs that are being developed to more efficiently fight our current and future wars. What the Times didn’t reveal, however, was that there is a similar and until-now secret Pentagon program already underway.
Its focus, too, is to go small. As small as possible.
The secretive program does not have an official name, but Deadpan News has learned that it is called Civilians Helping In Liberty’s Defense, or more commonly by those in the know, the CHILD program.
What is CHILD all about? Originally it was developed to find ways that civilians could aid the military. But for some time now, it’s been all about kids.
Little kids. The next big idea at the Pentagon.
Just as budget cuts and the new nature of conflict are forcing the Pentagon’s hand on the technological front, they are also pushing the Pentagon to take advantage of younger and younger fighters.
How young?
The source that leaked the story to Deadpan News confirmed that the CHILD program is already working with kids significantly younger than the regular branches of the armed forces, with even younger ones in the wings.
“Kids are about 10, 11, 12 right now… You know, about middle school-ish. Just before they get too hung up on girls. Or boys. Cause they do take girls. Of course the goal is to go way younger.”
Confronted with this allegation, an Army spokesman talked to Deadpan News today and confirmed some details about the program. Highlights from that conversation are quoted below.
On cost:
“Kids are much cheaper than adults. Think about it. Some of them get allowance at home. All you got to do is double that allowance and they’re good to go. So that’s what we do. . And even things like food and clothes. An 10-year-old definitely eats a lot less than your 18 or 19-year-old soldier. Those kids’ clothes are much cheaper to make too. And just think about the significant cost savings when we get it down to more like 6 or 7.”
On tactics:
“Kids aren’t just like drones because they are cheaper. They’re small too. You can strap cameras on a bunch of them, just like with drones, and drop ‘em behind enemy lines. Same with bombs. Forget about just targeting within a meter, a kid can slip one of those little bombs right in some guy’s pocket. And probably even get away before it goes off.”
On access:
“Kids are able to go places that adults can’t. Most of these places were fighting (and probably will continue to fight) there’s kids everywhere, just running around, lawless. So we drop a bunch more kids down there, who’s to notice. Especially because we’ve been trying to stock up on minorities, so they blend in more over there. And, once again, this is going to be even more effective with the real little one.”
On fairness:
“Of course it’s fair. We pay them. Remember, standard rate is double their allowance. We feed them too. When they’re not behind enemy lines, there’s gum, cotton candy, all the junk they could want. And they think this stuff is fun. We convince them it’s a big videogame or hide and seek or something like that. And we mostly take kids that aren’t going anywhere anyway. You can tell really early that most kids aren’t really going to do anything worthwhile in school. Or after, in life, really. I guess the best name for this program would really be No Child Left Behind.”
On the future:
“We’re really just limited by our imaginations. Kids get into all kinds of mischief, without any national security benefit. We just kind of layer that benefit right on top of where kids already are. Some people don’t want to face facts, but the fact is you give me a kid who’s 4 or 5 and super-cute and cuddly, and that kid’s a laser-guided missile in my hands. And don’t even get me started about toddlers. It might be a messy war in many ways, but the future is in diapers. Literally.”
We should be SO proud.
The head of the Pentagon’s CHILD program has yet to respond to our request for an interview, but an office staffer said he may have a few minutes for us tomorrow, after nap time.
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