General Petraeus Resigns In Sex Scandal. EEEEWWWW!

While announcing the reason for his resignation, CIA Director David Petraeus describes how fond he was of his biographer’s ass.

From the Surge…to the Urge.

David Petraeus, the General who rose to prominence as architect of the Surge in Iraq was forced to resign yesterday as Director of the CIA after it was revealed he was having an affair with his biographer.

The nature of his sudden departure shocked all around him, especially those who knew him most.

“I’m astounded.”

“Petraeus, no way!”

“Really…David? Ewwwww. He’s so unappealing!”

Those are just a few representative reactions Deadpan News received from those who know him best.

When asked to elaborate, these responses were typical.

“Well, he’s just so very… unattractive. I can’t imagine who would sleep with him.”

“I guess the whole Top Spy thing made up for his typically sour expression. I mean, he is so far from sexy.”

“Wow…I can’t believe he was getting it from a woman more than 20 years younger and he still looked like that? You’d think she would have at least removed the stick up his…”

Some of the more thoughtful critics of Petraeus mentioned the title of the biography in question, All In, to criticize him for recklessly gambling with the lives of service men and women in Iraq (even if it worked out), just as he recklessly gambled by having an affair with his biographer.

Others simply wanted to know what he was most All In.

We’ll have to wait for the second book.

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