Three days after the tragic mass shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, the typically combative NRA was atypically silent.
No statements. No website updates. No Facebook.
On day four, the NRA broke their silence, issuing a statement that they tweeted about and posted on the NRA Facebook page.
“The NRA is prepared to offer meaningful contributions to help make sure this never happens again.
The NRA is planning to hold a major news conference in the Washington, DC area on Friday, December 21.”
While the NRA was hoping to keep their plans secret until tomorrow’s news conference, DeadpanNews.com has learned just what these “meaningful contributions” will be.
The NRA’s proposed solution to mass school shootings will be: home schooling.
When confronted by DeadpanNews, NRA spokesman Andrew Odium first denied the leaked information, then decided he could fall back on NRA logic and NRA-speak.
Here’s what the NRA’s Odium told us:
“O.K…in every school shooting, what comes first: the school or the shooting? The school, of course. The school, not the gun. The so-called simple truth about gun control is simply wrong: guns shouldn’t be controlled. Guns, like Americans, want to be free to express themselves.”
“Trying to keep assault weapons out of the hands of those patriotic Americans who need to shoot hundreds of times in a matter of seconds will not solve the problem of mass school shootings. Only the elimination of schools with massive groups of kids will.”
“No big schools means no big school killings. It’s undeniable, right? So the NRA has two simple words for an America looking for real solutions: Home. School.”
“Not only are home schools immune from mass school killings based on their size, but they are, in essence, camouflaged from would-be mass school shooters since they look like regular houses, not schools. Some psycho school killer is not going to go door to door asking if there’s a school inside. Their just not. So, problem solved.”
“You can see where the NRA has its head on this issue. Am I right?”
Indeed we can see where the NRA has its head. As usual.
Until the NRA solves this issue with their “meaningful contributions,” we offer some other possibilities: