Now that the Miami Heat have a 3-2 edge in the Eastern Conference Championship Series, the Indiana Pacers can breathe a sigh of relief.
DeadpanNews.com has learned that had Indiana won Thursday night’s Game 5, NBA commissioner David Stern had given his blessing for unmanned drone strikes against top Pacer players.
The drone strikes were to be paid for by ABC, the network that will be broadcasting the NBA Finals, and were said to target two or three of the Pacers top players. Number one on the hit list? Center Roy Hibbert.
“He kills the Heat,” our source told us, “Stern kills him.”
Why resort to such extreme and unprecedented tactics? Ratings.
According to sources inside the NBA, Stern was starting to fear that his league would implode if the unthinkable happened and Indiana bested Miami to reach the Finals against San Antonio.
And that’s not an unreasonable fear. After all, the San Antonio Spurs were involved in the two least-watched, lowest-rated Finals since 1976, with a 6.5 Nielsen rating in 2003 and a 6.2 rating in their last Finals appearance in 2007.
“It’s bad enough people are going to have to watch the Spurs again, for God’s sake,” Stern was quoted as saying. “But to add the Pacers…the PACERS! No one would watch. Not a soul. That just can’t happen. And my friends at the CIA are sympathetic.”
“Maybe if Bob Knight were coaching the Pacers. Then maybe people would tune in to see if he’d throw a chair at Tony Parker or something. But in the real world, Spurs-Pacers would be the death of the NBA. If maybe a Pacer or two needs to be taken out to prevent that, so be it. The lesser of two evils; I think sports fans everywhere would agree.”
In light of the revelation of the NBA/ABC drone plans, we’re pretty sure we won’t see the Pacers diving for many loose balls in Game 6. But we may see Roy Hibbert taking Lebron James out to dinner.