I’m Not a Math Wizard, But …

Thousands of Twitter Followers Each Day?

Maybe it’s that past tense they’re using?

Pacers Game 5 Loss Averts Stern Drone Strikes

pacers-heat-game-5

Now that the Miami Heat have a 3-2 edge in the Eastern Conference Championship Series, the Indiana Pacers can breathe a sigh of relief.

Huh?

DeadpanNews.com has learned that had Indiana won Thursday night’s Game 5, NBA commissioner David Stern had given his blessing for unmanned drone strikes against top Pacer players.

The drone strikes were to be paid for by ABC, the network that will be broadcasting the NBA Finals, and were said to target two or three of the Pacers top players. Number one on the hit list? Center Roy Hibbert.

“He kills the Heat,” our source told us, “Stern kills him.”

Why resort to such extreme and unprecedented tactics? Ratings.

According to sources inside the NBA, Stern was starting to fear that his league would implode if the unthinkable happened and Indiana bested Miami to reach the Finals against San Antonio.

And that’s not an unreasonable fear. After all, the San Antonio Spurs were involved in the two least-watched, lowest-rated Finals since 1976, with a 6.5 Nielsen rating in 2003 and a 6.2 rating in their last Finals appearance in 2007.

Roy Hibbert better duck and cover.

Roy Hibbert better duck and cover.

“It’s bad enough people are going to have to watch the Spurs again, for God’s sake,” Stern was quoted as saying. “But to add the Pacers…the PACERS! No one would watch. Not a soul. That just can’t happen. And my friends at the CIA are sympathetic.”

“Maybe if Bob Knight were coaching the Pacers. Then maybe people would tune in to see if he’d throw a chair at Tony Parker or something. But in the real world, Spurs-Pacers would be the death of the NBA. If maybe a Pacer or two needs to be taken out to prevent that, so be it. The lesser of two evils; I think sports fans everywhere would agree.”

In light of the revelation of the NBA/ABC drone plans, we’re pretty sure we won’t see the Pacers diving for many loose balls in Game 6. But we may see Roy Hibbert taking Lebron James out to dinner.

NRA to Propose Home Schooling to Stop Mass School Shootings

Three days after the tragic mass shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, the typically combative NRA was atypically silent.

No statements. No website updates. No Facebook.

On day four, the NRA broke their silence, issuing a statement that they tweeted about and posted on the NRA Facebook page.

“The NRA is prepared to offer meaningful contributions to help make sure this never happens again.

The NRA is planning to hold a major news conference in the Washington, DC area on Friday, December 21.”

While the NRA was hoping to keep their plans secret until tomorrow’s news conference, DeadpanNews.com has learned just what these “meaningful contributions” will be.

The NRA’s proposed solution to mass school shootings will be: home schooling.

When confronted by DeadpanNews, NRA spokesman Andrew Odium first denied the leaked information, then decided he could fall back on NRA logic and NRA-speak.

Here’s what the NRA’s Odium told us:

“O.K…in every school shooting, what comes first: the school or the shooting? The school, of course. The school, not the gun. The so-called simple truth about gun control is simply wrong: guns shouldn’t be controlled. Guns, like Americans, want to be free to express themselves.”

“Trying to keep assault weapons out of the hands of those patriotic Americans who need to shoot hundreds of times in a matter of seconds will not solve the problem of mass school shootings. Only the elimination of schools with massive groups of kids will.”

“No big schools means no big school killings. It’s undeniable, right? So the NRA has two simple words for an America looking for real solutions: Home. School.”

“Not only are home schools immune from mass school killings based on their size, but they are, in essence, camouflaged from would-be mass school shooters since they look like regular houses, not schools. Some psycho school killer is not going to go door to door asking if there’s a school inside. Their just not. So, problem solved.”

A must-read for the NRA.

A must-read for the NRA.

“You can see where the NRA has its head on this issue. Am I right?”

Indeed we can see where the NRA has its head. As usual.

Until the NRA solves this issue with their “meaningful contributions,” we offer some other possibilities:

Stop Handgun Violence
Coalition to Stop Gun Violence 
Law Center to Prevent Gun Violence
Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence
• States United to Prevent Gun Violence 
Beyond Bullets

General Petraeus Resigns In Sex Scandal. EEEEWWWW!

While announcing the reason for his resignation, CIA Director David Petraeus describes how fond he was of his biographer’s ass.

From the Surge…to the Urge.

David Petraeus, the General who rose to prominence as architect of the Surge in Iraq was forced to resign yesterday as Director of the CIA after it was revealed he was having an affair with his biographer.

The nature of his sudden departure shocked all around him, especially those who knew him most.

“I’m astounded.”

“Petraeus, no way!”

“Really…David? Ewwwww. He’s so unappealing!”

Those are just a few representative reactions Deadpan News received from those who know him best.

When asked to elaborate, these responses were typical.

“Well, he’s just so very… unattractive. I can’t imagine who would sleep with him.”

“I guess the whole Top Spy thing made up for his typically sour expression. I mean, he is so far from sexy.”

“Wow…I can’t believe he was getting it from a woman more than 20 years younger and he still looked like that? You’d think she would have at least removed the stick up his…”

Some of the more thoughtful critics of Petraeus mentioned the title of the biography in question, All In, to criticize him for recklessly gambling with the lives of service men and women in Iraq (even if it worked out), just as he recklessly gambled by having an affair with his biographer.

Others simply wanted to know what he was most All In.

We’ll have to wait for the second book.

Lebron James 2011 Bizarre Off-Season Plan: Sending Miami Fans to Train in Vancouver

Lebron James throws up chalk before game

Is Lebron Going Up in Smoke?


After Lebron James and his much-mocked South Beach talents flamed out spectacularly in the NBA Finals, basketball junkies began talking about what he needs to do in the off-season. If he’s ever going to capture a championship.

Some think Lebron should work more as point guard. Some that he needs to improve his 3-point consistency. And there’s lots of chatter about Lebron learning to play the post.

But Deadpan News has learned James’ #1 priority for this off-season. And the answer is none of the above.

Lebron James is going to send 100 chosen fans to Vancouver. To learn how to lose in style.

Watching Vancouver fans riot after the Canucks lost game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals, the King was inspired.

“Boston beat Vancouver and these Canadians went berserk. Burning cars. Rolling over trucks. Breaking windows. Throwing beer bottles at police in riot gear… I want some of that here when Boston beats us.”

vancouver fans riot after losing

"We're the Heat. We should lose with style."


James says his plan is to spend about $500,000 of his own money so 100 dedicated fans can fly to Vancouver and train for 2 weeks.

He said he used Twitter to recruit the Miami fans and track down the right fans in Vancouver to train with. “You only get 150 words with Twitter but you can get a lot done without working hard, that’s why I’m working out with Social Media this summer.”

Lebron went on to further explain his unorthodox fan training project.

“I want to win, right? Gotta think outside the box, man. And do whatever you can. I can’t control some things, like my shot, but I can control these 100 people, you know what I’m saying. Tell them where to go and what they need to work on. It’s going to feel good next year knowing they got my back and are ready to get busy when the time is right. It’s something to look forward to. I want to bring something memorable to Miami.”

“And this is not just some one-shot deal. These fans are going to be like a long-term asset to me and the city. I see us making the playoffs pretty much every year for the next decade, so you their new skills are going to pay off time after time.”

Asked whether that meant he didn’t expect to win many – or any – championships after predicting 8 just last year, James backpedaled a bit.

“No, no, no…not that at all. As the saying goes, I brought my talents here, right. And I plan to give a good 3 quarters practically every single game for the rest of my time here. Just like I always have. Nothing’s gonna change. But these fans can be part of my legacy. It’s gonna be a real riot here from now on.”

And then he flashed that big million-dollar grin he’s famous for: “Just wait till you see all the flames.”

DISCOVERED! 1st Purchase with Google Wallet? An iPhone.

Google, whose Android phones are battling Apple’s iPhone for smartphone supremacy, made recent headlines with its announcement that the Google Wallet mobile payment service would launch this summer.

Google Wallet

Google Wallet ... What Will You Buy?


The service, which is being field tested now, would essentially turn Android phones into credit cards.

So, what will the first purchase with this ground-breaking Android-powered Google Wallet be?

Well, turns out it has already happened. And it was an iPhone.

Deadpan News was tipped off a couple of days ago that a relatively new member of Google’s Commerce and Payments field testing team, Brian Andersen, had made the very first purchase in the wild when he rode his bike over to the Best Buy near the Googleplex in Mountain View, CA., tapped his Samsung Nexus S 4G on the PayPass-enabled phone reader and purchased himself a shiny white iPhone 4 (32GB, Verizon).

Best Buy Store in Mountain View CA

Historic First Google Wallet Purchase Happened Here


“To be honest, it was kind of surreal,” recalled the sales associate Ryan R. who oversaw the purchase. “First, it’s weird not to know if I should still say ‘cash or credit’. But then it’s weirder that this guy takes out his brand new phone to buy a brand new phone with the first new phone. But I guess that makes me kind of famous now. …Think I’m famous enough for a reality show? Maybe the Glee Project?”

We tracked down Mr. Andersen to see what motivated him to make such a controversial first purchase.

“I wasn’t trying to cause any problems. They said to just try to use Google Wallet to make the kind of regular purchases I would normally. But not that many places take it yet, obviously. I knew the Best Buy down the road was ready, and I’ve been waiting a really long time for the white iPhone. So it just seemed to make sense to go ahead and do it.”

Reminded that Google and Apple are leading combatants in the smartphone wars, Mr. Andersen was optimistic his employer would see it his way: “It’s not like I don’t think Google Wallet is a great product. It is. I plan to carry it around everywhere. But I plan to use it as a wallet. And I have always carried a wallet AND a phone, and so…”

Mr. Andersen trailed off nervously and sweat began to run down his neck. Then he blurted out:

“Look, it was a Samsung phone and it was on Sprint. Right? Sprint! I mean, come on. We’re talking about Sprint. You can’t expect me…I mean, I’m still single.”

Asked if he had anything more to add, Mr. Andersen pleaded, “If you print this, please also print that I’m sorry and DON’T FIRE ME GOOGLE. Remember Google, “Don’t Be Evil!”

No word on any other Google Wallet purchases. No word yet on Mr. Andersen’s fate at Google.

We’ll keep you posted.

Qaddafi’s Top 10 Reasons the US Should Stop Bombing Libya

Unpredictable Dictator Reaches Out to West with Top 10 List

Just a day after the Libyan strongman lashed back at rebels by shelling the city of Misrata, Qaddafi reversed course to try his hand at some Letterman-like diplomacy. Deadpan News is posting the unedited list in full:

Top 10 Reasons to Stop Bombing Me

Camels in back of pickup truck in Libya.

Even the camels have more sense than Qaddafi--they're leaving.

10. If you don’t, I’ll tell PETA you’re scaring the camels.

9. It’s really interfering with my “Libya, I’m Loving It” tourism campaign.

8. Sticks and stones may have broken my opponents bones, but bombs could really hurt me.

7. Hey, what about Bahrain?

6. You’re more than 3 decades too late – I was way worse in the 70s.

5. I have the power to lower my body temperature with my superior mind control so your heat-seeking missiles are useless.

4. I was going to tear down those buildings anyway, so you’re actually helping me.

3. You’re threatening a truly endangered species found nowhere else on Earth: Dictatorium libyannus.

2. You wouldn’t really kill an AARP member with an election coming up?

Qaddafi Reading His Green Book

"I'm sure Volume 2 would be an even bigger hit...if I could just concentrate."

1. I’m working on an important revision of my Green Book and all the noise is making it hard to concentrate.

Sincerely,

Muammar

Secret Pentagon Program Uses Kids to Save Money in Wars

Part of their “go small, go cheap” strategy for present and future conflicts

un-manned drone plane with smart bomb

Little planes are just the beginning.

As reported today in the Los Angeles Times, “the Pentagon is looking to cheaper, smaller weapons to wage war in the 21st century.”

 

The article went on to focus on technology such as drones and smart bombs that are being developed to more efficiently fight our current and future wars. What the Times didn’t reveal, however, was that there is a similar and until-now secret Pentagon program already underway.

Its focus, too, is to go small. As small as possible.

The secretive program does not have an official name, but Deadpan News has learned that it is called Civilians Helping In Liberty’s Defense, or more commonly by those in the know, the CHILD program.

What is CHILD all about? Originally it was developed to find ways that civilians could aid the military. But for some time now, it’s been all about kids.

U.S. soldier helps new child recruit feel right at home.

Little kids. The next big idea at the Pentagon.

Just as budget cuts and the new nature of conflict are forcing the Pentagon’s hand on the technological front, they are also pushing the Pentagon to take advantage of younger and younger fighters.

 

How young?

The source that leaked the story to Deadpan News confirmed that the CHILD program is already working with kids significantly younger than the regular branches of the armed forces, with even younger ones in the wings.

“Kids are about 10, 11, 12 right now… You know, about middle school-ish. Just before they get too hung up on girls. Or boys. Cause they do take girls. Of course the goal is to go way younger.”

Confronted with this allegation, an Army spokesman talked to Deadpan News today and confirmed some details about the program. Highlights from that conversation are quoted below.

On cost:

“Kids are much cheaper than adults. Think about it. Some of them get allowance at home. All you got to do is double that allowance and they’re good to go. So that’s what we do. . And even things like food and clothes. An 10-year-old definitely eats a lot less than your 18 or 19-year-old soldier. Those kids’ clothes are much cheaper to make too. And just think about the significant cost savings when we get it down to more like 6 or 7.”

On tactics:

“Kids aren’t just like drones because they are cheaper. They’re small too. You can strap cameras on a bunch of them, just like with drones, and drop ‘em behind enemy lines. Same with bombs. Forget about just targeting within a meter, a kid can slip one of those little bombs right in some guy’s pocket. And probably even get away before it goes off.”

On access:

“Kids are able to go places that adults can’t. Most of these places were fighting (and probably will continue to fight) there’s kids everywhere, just running around, lawless. So we drop a bunch more kids down there, who’s to notice. Especially because we’ve been trying to stock up on minorities, so they blend in more over there. And, once again, this is going to be even more effective with the real little one.”

On fairness:

“Of course it’s fair. We pay them. Remember, standard rate is double their allowance. We feed them too. When they’re not behind enemy lines, there’s gum, cotton candy, all the junk they could want. And they think this stuff is fun. We convince them it’s a big videogame or hide and seek or something like that. And we mostly take kids that aren’t going anywhere anyway. You can tell really early that most kids aren’t really going to do anything worthwhile in school. Or after, in life, really. I guess the best name for this program would really be No Child Left Behind.”

On the future:

“We’re really just limited by our imaginations. Kids get into all kinds of mischief, without any national security benefit. We just kind of layer that benefit right on top of where kids already are. Some people don’t want to face facts, but the fact is you give me a kid who’s 4 or 5 and super-cute and cuddly, and that kid’s a laser-guided missile in my hands. And don’t even get me started about toddlers. It might be a messy war in many ways, but the future is in diapers. Literally.”

mommy's little soldier drawing

We should be SO proud.

The head of the Pentagon’s CHILD program has yet to respond to our request for an interview, but an office staffer said he may have a few minutes for us tomorrow, after nap time.

 

Sarah Palin “Campaign” Off to a Bad Start: Flubs Science Test and Insults an Ally

As presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich struggles to recover from his recent verbal gaffes, another presumed Republican presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, finds herself in not-unfamiliar hot water about her grasp of facts even before she officially enters the race.

She has even angered a nation.

Sarah Palin Shrugging

Hey, no biggie. We're just talking about science.


Speaking to a group of reporters before she sets out on her “One Nation” bus tour, Palin took a question from a science correspondent at the French newspaper Le Monde.

The reporter asked Palin if she would support funding for increased scientific research into superconductors.

“Are you crazy,” blurted out the famously quotable conservative firebrand.

Clearly agitated, Palin continued “Why would we want to give science money to study musicians? I mean, there’s got to be way, way more regular sciencey stuff to study. Am I right?”

She went on, “It’s bad enough when you people want money to look through all those big telescopes and tell us that means there’s no god. Well, the real people down here on Earth believe, and you can’t just telescope those beliefs away, or whatever they’re trying to pull.”

“Common…guys waving sticks…? That’s what you want my hard earned tax dollars for? No matter how SUPER you say they are, we’re not gonna pay one plugged nickel to study any conductors on my watch.”

Conductor Gustavo Dudamel

He's a Super Conductor, Right?


After what clearly seemed like a moment of stunned silence among the reporters, the French reporter responded. “No, Mrs. Palin. I think you do not understand. Superconductors are not musicians, not conductors with batons. They are special materials that, at low temperatures offer zero resistance.”

Palin smiled and tilted her head just a bit: “Oh…you mean like France?”
Hours later, the French embassy called for Palin to apologize.

A Palin spokesman said she would not be addressing the issue.

“First of all, Ms. Palin won’t respond to the French embassy because, as she is proud to say, she doesn’t speak a word of French. Secondly, she wishes to let everybody know that this is just more media-driven, gottcha-type obsessitivity with facts that a president probably doesn’t even have to know. But, by the way, she does where France is.”

Superconductor levitation

Superconductor: Zero Resistance. Palin: Zero Understanding

The spokesman also offered that Palin was getting some much-needed relaxation before her campaign-like swing up the East coast. He said she was already on the bus, “listening to one of her favorite superconductors.”

NBA Draft Lottery Tonight: Timberwolves to Pick Ricky Rubio #1. Again.

NBA Draft Lottery Tonight

Timberwolves - "We Got Balls"


With the NBA Draft Lottery just hours away, the dozens of Minnesota Timberwolves fans around the nation are holding their collective breaths.

And, this time at least, it’s not in protest.

Not yet.

That’s because the Timberwolves, thanks to their 17-65 record, have the best chance of getting the #1 overall pick in the draft.

So…what are they going to do?

Reliable sources within the organization have leaked to DeadpanNews.com that once again the team is ready to defy conventional wisdom.

This time, more boldly and wisdom-defyingly than ever.

The Wolves, if they get the #1 pick, are going to draft Ricky Rubio. Again.

Ricky Rubio Bites Ball

Ricky Rubio Bites!


That’s right, fan.

It was just 2 drafts ago in 2009 that the Timberwolves made the Spanish point guard phenom Rubio the #5 pick in the draft. And then drafted 2 more point guards in the first round.

David Kahn, president of basketball operations for the Wolves, previously said he was inspired to load up on point guards after studying the Detroit Lions draft strategy under Matt Millen, which was to draft wide receivers. Relentlessly.

When reporters challenged Kahn, pointing to the Lions’ abysmal performance under Millen, Kahn explained that he was “out Millening Millen” by drafting all his guards in the same draft, in the same first round.

Matt Millen Fan Protest

Kahn: "I'll 'Out-Millen' Millen This Year"


And this year, Kahn is ready to Kahn himself into the record books (or out of a job) by re-drafting Rubio, who has yet to play in the NBA.

Asked to explain the inexplicable, Kahn gave reporters his top 5 reasons for the re-draft of Rubio:

1. It reaffirms our commitment to Rubio, so maybe he’ll want to come play for us.
2. You can never have too many point guards.
3. Last year we lost our focus on drafting guards, which explains our record.
4. I told you he was good then, and he’s even better now.
5. If he’s drafted #1 this year, that means we got great value by getting a #1 player with our #5 pick 2 years ago.

Kahn, ever the optimist, even came up with what he thinks is the perfect marketing slogan for this rebuilding franchise with the most ping pong balls in this draft: “Timberwolves – We Got Balls!”

But while he doesn’t want to think about the nightmare scenario of missing out on Rubio again if the ping pong balls don’t bounce his way, Kahn did let it slip that he thought Chad Ochocinco would look pretty darn good in Timberwolves colors.

Best of Ochocinco